Apologies and Juno

Happy New Year! First of all, I would like to apologize for not posting any new updates since December 4th. I hadn't realized there were so many people actually clicking over to check up on us. With that in mind, unfortunately we don't have any new news to report.

So on that note, let's talk about Juno. Karen and I haven't seen it yet. We were told by a lot of friends and family to go see it but we have been hesitant. Karen stumbled over an article from an adoption/infertility periodical which confirmed our hesitancy. Our biggest concern is that y'all will see the movie and think you know what we are going through. I know that's not the case, but it is hard not to correlate the events of a touching story with what we may be going through. So I will, at some point in the near future, go see Juno and give one person's view as a waiting adoptive parent on what may or may not apply to our situation. Okay, here's the article.

Juno Commentary
By Bob Bamman, LCSW

The film Juno (Fox Searchlight Pictures, 2007), which is currently in
wide release, has garnered several independent film festival awards
and is indeed a moving, very funny, and—for those of us in the
adoption field—at times a very disturbing portrayal of a young teen
birthmother and her process of planning the private adoption of her
unborn child. Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman play the supporting
roles of the adoptive parents with the lead role of birthmother Juno
being skillfully and beautifully acted by Ellen Page.

Emphasis on the word "acted"—this is a work of fiction, an important
point to be emphasized to the public in general and particularly to
those couples and individuals who are contemplating or in the process
of pursuing the adoption of a child through private domestic adoption.
The film succeeds in providing comic relief to a process that is
inherently intense, emotionally painful and profound to those
involved, and at once sad and glorious. After all, adoption is about
families being broken apart and new families being formed.

Early on in the film Juno is seen sitting on a park bench and
cavalierly going through adoptive parent classifieds in the local
PennySaver newspaper with a friend, reading and weighing the ads, many
of which are absurd. This is a moment that prospective adoptive
parents fantasize and agonize over with endless revisions of a 15-word
appeal that they hope will result in the baby of their dreams, and the
over-the-top ads add a welcome levity to the process without muddying
the line between fact and fiction.

Ultimately, Juno selects a prospective adoptive couple and a following
scene shows her and her father arriving at the doorstep of the
prospective adoptive parents' home to meet them. This is where the
film deviates from what has been the reality in open adoption for the
past 25 years—protective anonymity for all parties involved—and gives
us a glimpse into the future. Increasingly, primarily on the West
coast at this time, adoption professionals are removing this
cautionary anonymity and fully sharing the identity (last name) of
prospective-adoptive parents to prospective birthparents, and even
meeting at the prospective adoptive parent's home, as depicted in the
movie.

This emerging trend in open adoption represents a next step in the
ongoing evolution of open adoption, which has historically been built
on the concept of honesty and mutual respect for all parties involved
in the adoption process—prospective adoptive families, prospective
birthfamilies and, most importantly, the child. This is a powerful
idea, the merit of which is supported by family systems theory and
practice that views distrust and secrecy as antithetical to healthy
families.

However, for prospective adoptive parents, this new transparency in
open adoption as depicted in Juno could look very scary. The film
does not include the nuts-and-bolts of responsible adoption
practice—that of ongoing communication and negotiation of each
participant's role and boundaries within the proposed new adoptive
extended family. Does the adoptive family want the birthmother/couple
popping in at any time? Does the prospective birthfamily want that?
How much contact does each party want before and after the placement
of the child, and what kind of contact: pictures, emails, visits? How
frequently and where and for how long? These essential aspects of
responsible open adoption, with the well-being of the child as the
focus, are completely neglected in the film.

The result is a cinematic success, but leaves the impression of a
"shotgun" adoption, not an adoption plan that is carefully thought out
and orchestrated by the parties involved. This is important for
viewers to understand, particularly prospective adoptive parents.
Also know that an essential aspect of the process is free choice. At
any time prior to birth and the signing of adoption papers, either
party can decide to back out of the pre-adoption process if it doesn't
feel right for them. For the well being of the future adopted child
and adoptive family it is essential, particularly when identifying
information has been shared ether up front (as in the film) or further
into the process, that a mutually trusting relationship has been
established between prospective birth and adoptive parent(s). All
involved must understand and accept their roles and boundaries in this
unique extended adoptive family that is being formed. In practice
this is a lengthy and very carefully considered process orchestrated
by the professionals overseeing the adoption.

The character of Juno is at once funny and sad, a portrayal of a
pregnant teen who is largely in denial of the emotional gravity of the
profound act in which she is preparing to engage—that of relinquishing
her child at birth. Her denial is buttressed by her loving but quirky
and matter-of-fact father with a "let's get on with it" attitude and
her angry step mother who can't wait to eventually get Juno out of the
house so she can get a dog. Both are caricatures of loving but
disconnected parents of a pregnant teen who thinks she has it all
figured out, until her well laid plan takes an unexpected detour.

While this sort of blanket denial of the emotions of relinquishment in
adoption can at times be a realistic birthparent scenario, the fact
that no adults in this adoption—Juno's parents, the prospective
adoptive parents or the adoption lawyer—urged her to seek counseling
and really consider the gravity of the decision she is making is
another place where the film takes a blatant detour from the reality
of responsible adoption practice. To her fictional credit, Juno's
stepmother does at least once offer her some counsel regarding her
actions, letting her know that her jaunts to the prospective adoptive
parent's house to hang out are not appropriate. That is where any
realistic assistance to this pregnant teen and her huge decision to
relinquish her child ends. Adoption practice over the years has shown
that pregnant women/couples who are considering making an adoption
plan for their child, and who do not receive counseling to grieve the
losses associated with relinquishing a child, both before and after
childbirth, can have a greater incidence of depression in the years
following relinquishment. They can also be more likely to make
ill-considered snap decisions at birth that have life-long
consequences, whether they decide to proceed with the adoption or
decide to parent their child.

A responsible approach on the part of the writers and producers of
this film would have been to include some sort of disclaimer following
the film, at least acknowledging its fictional portrayal of adoption
practice and urging those interested in adoption, future parents of
both the "birth" and "adoptive" ilk, to consult a qualified adoption
professional. As a cinematic experience Juno is funny, heart
wrenching, and well acted, but prospective adoptive parents should go
in to it with the knowledge that it's portrayal of adoption practice
is largely inaccurate, and should be prepared to have their emotional
heart strings, often already frayed by infertility and disappointment,
further tugged on.



An active professional member of RESOLVE, Bob Bamman, LCSW,
facilitates workshops and coaching groups addressing the emotional
aspects of infertility, men's infertility issues and adoption. His
specialized clinical training includes infertility/adoption training
at the Karen Horney Institute, the Center for Family Connections
(Cambridge), and the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy. A veteran
of the infertility experience and an adoptive parent, Bob maintains a
private practice located in mid-Manhattan, working with men, women and
couples. Bob also provides adoption consultation services and New
York State mandated pre-adoption home study services.